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Title: Dieu T'Aidera
Originally posted: Here, for [livejournal.com profile] tauruschick12.
Length: 1600 words.
Characters/Pairings: France/muddy ditch OTP. Also, Joan of Arc.
Premise: The first time they meet.
Time period: 1429.
Smuttiness: 1/10
Funnyness: 4/10
Wrist slashiness: 3/10
Lolhistoryness: 5/10
Violence: 2/10
Would I like it?: Joan must teach a hopeless, drenched-in-horse-urine France to ~believe in himself~ again. If that sentence made you smile, read on.


This ditch is like me, France reflected. Shallow, and full of trash.

He lay on his back, in the mud, beside a road that hurried through an empty little blight of nowhere. There were trees, and travelers, sometimes. England hadn't burned this bit down, which told France that there was nothing important in it. So it was a good place for a ditch, and a good place for France to be. Cold slurry ran off the cobbles and splashed over his leg whenever a horse trundled by. Sometimes, the horses stopped, and what splashed over him was warm, not cold, and he thought: yes. This is my life.

Just a few more defeats for his starving and bedraggled armies--and defeats were in no short supply--and it would be his death.

He felt for the neck of a bottle, nudging away all the empty ones. They clinked and rolled away down the barren embankment. He was running out of wine; dismal thought. He found a bottle with a bit of slosh left in it and yanked out the cork with his teeth. He spat it aside. He felt it might be something worthwhile if England would take the fort at Orleans before the wine was gone, or else he might be forced to choose between horrifying sobriety, and leaving this ditch, which had provided him with such unquestioning succor and companionship.

Now and then, dogs, or wolves perhaps, strolled out from the tree line and nosed at his boots or sleeve. France supposed that his mélange of horse piss, bad wine, and unquenchable joie de vivre must be irresistible to them. He kicked a bit to show that he was still alive to send them on their way.

He took a swig. For God's sake, it might as well be vinegar.

Then it started to rain. France took it philosophically.

"Sir? Excuse me--my Lord?"

This was some time later. He squinted his eyes open against the gentle patter of raindrops and craned his neck up. "'My Lord?'" he repeated incredulously. "Can't you recognize a beggar dying in the mud when you see one?"

"I know the greatest nation on Earth when I see him, sir. I can't speak to the rest of it."

That seemed worth focusing for, barely; he straightened up on his elbows and peered at the little company. Soldiers, Free Companions, maybe. The one who spoke to him was a slender boy at the front, perched on a black horse. "Clever," France snarled, "Now fuck off, I'm trying to drink."

"Go on ahead," the boy murmured to his escort.

"But--"

"I'll join you soon. He's no threat to me."

Of course not, France mused, as twenty-something horses clattered by. He was no threat at all to anyone.

The lissome boy slid off his mount and edged down the muddy slope towards France. "You are my nation," he ventured.

"Bonnefoy." France dropped his head back and raised the bottle to his lips again.

"No. My nation. France." The youth arrived at his side and studied him with clear, serious eyes.

He supposed it mattered little enough. "Who told you?"

The boy didn't answer. "I've been to see the king, you know, at Chinon. I thought to find you there."

"I don't have a king. I have a Dauphin," he offered, as he lay back in the mud with a squelch. "An indolent little brat, the son of a madman, who means to run away and hide under Scotland's roomy skirts. I think I prefer the company of this ditch. Its constancy has never once failed me since I met it."

"You're drunk," the boy reproved.

"And I hope I shall continue to be for the brief duration of the rest of my life," France agreed, "If it be God's will." He raised his bottle in a toast. The boy snatched it out of his hand.

"Excuse me," France tried, affronted.

"God has other plans for you," the boy replied. He threw the bottle towards the woods. While France struggled into a sitting position, the boy found the rest of the wine and threw it away as well. France flailed to stop him, and he gently pushed the nation's arms aside. "You need to get up, and come with me."

"I don't need to do--"

"My name is Jeanne d'Arc."

"That's no name for a boy--"

'Sir, I am not one."

France paused, and revisited his first impression. His eyes crawled over this Jeanne: from narrow shoulders, to flat chest, to the small waist, to delicate hips, and then reversed, back up, to that hairless, soft and open face. She blushed slightly.

"Well," France said at last, "Then I have even less of an idea what you want with me. I thought you were the commander of those soldiers."

"I am."

"A girl? A young girl."

She pushed a section of faded brown hair off her forehead. "I thought perhaps you would have heard of it by now."

"I remember something from a couple of weeks ago, some witch taken away to Poitiers--"

"I am not a witch!" she flared. "I was questioned at Poitiers, and they agreed that I'm not a witch. The--the Dauphin has made me Grand Commander of all the armies in the kingdom."

"Has he," France marveled. "Why on earth would he do such a thing?"

Jeanne's answer was quick, impassioned, and utterly sincere. "Because God has sent me to save you."

France thought about that for a moment, and then sighed. "Of course. Any patriots left in this country would have to be lunatics."

"God warned me that you would be doubtful."

"I'd always hoped my creator would have that sensible streak," he approved. He pinched his forehead and wriggled down into the mud again.

Jeanne crouched beside him and hauled him upright by his tunic. "You have to come with me," she repeated.

He tugged his clothing out of her hands. "Cherie, you aren't pretty enough to get your way by getting rough with me."

She ignored him. "We are going to Orleans, to join up with the army. God has shown me how to break the English siege."

"As willing as I am to believe that God loves me, and hates England, I've seen little to persuade me that His benevolent eye has rested upon me at any point over the past century or so."

"Listen to yourself!" Jeanne cried. "Where is your faith? Your pride? I've--"

"Faith I've enough of, I think, but a man steeped in fetid ditch runoff soon runs out of pride," he interrupted.

"Then get up!"

"Why should I? The ditch makes less irritating conversation than you do." He caught her wrist and jerked her forward. She made a very girlish cry as she tumbled against him. He held her fast. "But of course, even a homely lunatic can persuade with more than just words, yes?" he breathed against her lips.

Her knee slammed between his legs, and her elbow smashed down on the bridge of his nose. She scrambled away from him as he toppled to the side like a felled tree.

It was really all he had needed to make his day complete.

"Don't ever try that again." Her voice trembled in anger.

"Consider your point well made," he mumbled.

She didn’t move as his vision cleared and he sat up again. Then she knelt beside him. "France," she began in earnest, "You must come with me. I can free you, but you must--trust me."

He sounded tired. "Why should I bother?"

She took his hand and clasped it between her own, and lowered her head in sudden reverence. "Because I swear on my life--on my soul--that I will see you restored, or die in your service. My courage will not fail you, sir. You are my nation--my nation, and I will not forsake you."

He watched her uneasily. "Oh, please don't say all that." He wet his lips. "You're much too young for a lost cause."

She looked up into his eyes, and it struck him that he had been wrong about her twice: she was very pretty, actually, in a clear and unornamented away, which had diverted his eye, at first, with its own humility. "Place your trust in me," she pleaded. "Or, if you are convinced that I will fail, just come to Orleans to see for yourself."

France felt an odd, cold flurry of--fear, but he was dimly aware that fear could not exist without hope. It was an absurd, sickly little hope, this thing that had been kindled by a half-mad peasant crossdresser, but he felt himself nodding anyway, and he let Jeanne pull him to his feet.

He staggered heavily. She shrugged his arm over her shoulders and supported him, this girl who was half his size.

"Did the Dauphin tell you who I was, and where to find me?" he asked, remembering his first question in this surreal interview.

She shook her head and boosted him up onto her horse. "God did."

She rode in front of him on the saddle, with his arm wrapped around her waist, and seemed to be without fear of any further molestation. France wondered at her. And his hands stayed where she had put them.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 11:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] twistedsheets10.livejournal.com
Wow. Francis keeping his hands to himself on a girl.

Joan of Arc can truly work miracles. :D

*is shot*

And I love this piece. :) It's nice to see France as someone other than a skirt-chasing, perverted Frog. XD

(and then I get depressed because France's boss pretty much let England's priest burn her in the damn stake.)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 11:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Yeah, like, who knows how long it'll last...

Glad you liked it! And--and hey, why haven't you given me a prompt over in the prompt thread? (http://pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com/9537.html) D= Don't you love me anymore?

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] twistedsheets10.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-12 11:39 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 11:56 am (UTC)
ext_82470: (Default)
From: [identity profile] maikichelorrain.livejournal.com
Really good fic.
Just as I imagined Francis, a bit amused, a bit reluctant to follow a little girl, but still wanting to believe in her. And who totally doesn't care about his king (civil war time after all).

Just... I don't know if you can talk about 'patriotism' here. The idea of 'nation' didn't really existed at that time, it's more an allegiance to the monarchy. Beside, Joan of Arc came from a place who had been French for a very little time.
And it's not Dieu te aidera, but Dieu t'aidera.

But except that, it's very good. Ah, nii-san!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 12:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Oh? I was reading accounts from Joan's associates at the time, and one of the honorifics they gave her was The Patriot. I was under the impression that it was the English who really lacked any sense of national identity prior to the Hundred Year War.

Thank you for the title correction, totally my bad! I'll fix it now. ♥♥♥!

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 01:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tauruschick12.livejournal.com
Oh my God. FranceXDitch Forver.

No, seriously though, is it bad that I was smiling like a happy idiot throughout this? Is it bad, that as a catholic, I was reading a Joan/France fanfic on Easter? Is it bad I was so joyous that my prompt was filled first? I don't care, because all I know is that your fanfiction is the only fanfiction I'll ever need for the rest of my life. Whhhyyy are you so amazing?!!!

(Joan kicking France in the family jewels is going in my Special Memories section.)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 01:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Yay, I am so psyched you liked it! =D

(Joan kicking France in the family jewels is going in my Special Memories section.)

Hahahahaha ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 01:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] t3hb33.livejournal.com
"As willing as I am to believe that God loves me, and hates England...."
Je Tadore
because that line made me laught so much >_<

gad the world needs more France and Jeanne

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 01:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Hahaha, sarcastic France is so much fun to write. XD He doesn't even need an audience, his inner monologue sounds like this.

France/Jeanne is totally my OTP for France. ♥

(no subject)

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From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-04-12 01:48 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-04-12 01:43 pm (UTC)
byzantienne: (Default)
From: [personal profile] byzantienne
I really, /really/ like this. France's despair is so self-aware and funny, and I love that about him, how even when he is in extremity he can't quite take himself seriously -- except that it is all very, very serious.

And this Jeanne is just as intense and scary as she should be!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 01:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you, that means a lot coming from you! I've read a number of your stories and always really enjoyed them. =D

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Date: 2009-04-12 01:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sadlygrove.livejournal.com
That was a great read; France's special brand of self despair was spot-on :3 I love it when the nations interact with their awesome patriots, it's always so much fun to read~

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 02:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it! =D Hetalia nations + real people is good fun.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 01:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] littleduchess.livejournal.com
Very good. It's so nice to see France as a complex character- he's so often dismissed or reduced!
I really love how you've managed to keep the dialogue snappy and quite funny without diminishing the desperate darkness of France's mind. That's not an easy thing!
The sentence "You're much too young for a lost cause!" is quite prescient and creepy...

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 02:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
he's so often dismissed or reduced!

I know, it's sad! French history is so complex and compelling, give the guy a little credit for a personality outside "lol, sex maniac."

Thank you for your kind comment! =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 02:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizzard890.livejournal.com
Je t'adore.

That was beautiful, my dear. Seriously, I woke up extra-early before church this morning to see if you, in your prolific greatness, had worked on any of the prompts yet. Gorgeous. ♥

(Also, I don't know if I've told you, but I have a bit of a crush on your France. Always have. I just adore that powerful sense of ennui that you've given him.)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 02:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I just adore that powerful sense of ennui that you've given him.

In my personal canon, he's had so much upheaval and pomp and wild extravagance in his history because he's painfully bored. I think it's one of the things that give him and America an odd allure to one another--America is always interested in everything, high energy and coming up with a thousand distractions; he always has something to throw France's way to divert his attention. And in France, America has someone who will always be interested in anything he's doing--for five minutes.

It's very unsatisfying for both of them, but they'll fill a need for each other for a moment.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shinzuku.livejournal.com
Awesome!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:01 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 04:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thecurtain.livejournal.com
Add me to the growing list of people in love with your France. *MELTING HERE* The way you wrote him was truly brilliant, ahh...so many great lines, I can't pick favorites <3 Excellent job!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thanks, I love writing the guy! =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 07:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] paint-tool.livejournal.com
Several people have already mentioned loving your characterization of France, and I'm just echoing their sentiments, but-- France, as someone above pointed out, is really just a big loafer. For all that he gets portrayed as a giant pervert, the France you've captured really only makes sexual advances to liven things up a bit. I feel this is pretty spot-on for France: He hits on the characters who won't accept it because it makes things interesting (or, I guess, the characters who WILL accept it because it also makes things interesting...).

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
France will do anything to make things interesting, I totally agree. Hetalia canon mostly just shows him being a huge perv, but hey, no reason we can't take that and run with it, right? =D

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 11:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ryoku-chan.livejournal.com
I God I love Joan so much, and this fic just...I'm speechless.

This was just so wonderful, really, you have no idea how much I am fangirling over this.... Thank you so much for such a wonderful Joan fic, there really aren't enough out there, and to get one from you! Its just awesome! I can't think of anything coherent to say, I just love this so much, really, thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm delighted you enjoyed it! I didn't know Joan was a weak point for you, I'll keep that in mind! XD

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-12 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] konishii.livejournal.com
I'm glad you wrote this side of France. :] I love Jeanne and France's interaction....so hilarious. I love that bit with France and the ditch...new OTP? hurhur.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
FrancexDitch is my newest pairing. ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] renquise.livejournal.com
Wow, I loved this. As I'm sure you've heard ad nauseum, I love your France, and the way he's flippant and witty, even when he's lying in a ditch. The line about the dauphin, in particular, was perfectly hilarious. Your Joan makes such a perfect foil to him-- I love the way she's noble and stubborn, and still very young.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 02:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you! You're very kind to say! I really wanted to capture their chemistry--I think they're great together. =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 02:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rotifora.livejournal.com
Your France is fantastically fabulous! And Joan was a breath of fresh air for France. There needs to be a sitcom series about their endeavors!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 02:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I'd totally agree except that sitcom would have the saddest ending ever. D=

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Date: 2009-04-13 05:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azureobsidian.livejournal.com
I love the idea of France/Joan so much, but hadn't really seen it anywhere yet, so this was a treat. And done so well! <3 Joan's come between France and his ditch, but all good things must come to an end. XD I'll be looking forward to more if there's more to be had!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 09:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you! =D I might end up writing more with these two after all! The encouragement is very appreciated. =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-13 11:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fyretoppaaa.livejournal.com
Ohoho, France/Joanne fic by you, this better not be a 4:30 AM massively beautiful hallucination. :U

That being said, only France could make lying in a stinking horse-pissed ditch such a great read. And Jeanne. I love how no-nonsense but earnest she was in the same breath. And their interaction was fantastic. XD

We are definitely in need of more of this kind of France. \o/

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-14 01:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Hey, I remember you! You're from the anon meme! I totally recognize your style. (This is the part where you can be like "actually, we've spoken a number of times, but I see you don't remember it" and I permanently break out the "buh? =D" chibitalia icon) Man, that thing moves way too fast for me to read it anymore. Has anything interesting happened on it lately?

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, it was a lot of fun to write. =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-16 09:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dmajor7th.livejournal.com
Oh that was so lovely. Just...sweet and heart warming and with a lovely optimistic atmosphere.

Plus emo!France is hilarious. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-04-16 10:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you. I love the happy prompts on my list. =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-28 01:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] varein.livejournal.com
That was wonderful. I'm quite a fan of Jeanne d'Arc (such a fascinating character!), and this story really showed of her strong personality. And France finds himself, quite against his will, following her in the end. Good thing he did.

A great read! Thank you ever so much for posting it!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-11-28 10:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you so much, I'm really glad you enjoyed it! =D

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