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[personal profile] pyrrhiccomedy
Title: Dear Feliciano
Originally posted: 3/12/2009, on the kink meme. Link
Length: 2000 words.
Characters/Pairings: N. Italy, a variety of others.
Premise: Meanwhile, at a rival newspaper, Feliciano has his own advice column.
Time period: Modern.
Smuttiness: 1/10
Funnyness: 8/10
Wrist slashiness: 0/10
Lolhistoryness: 0/10
Violence: 0/10
Would I like it?: More cute, more crack, more fluff! This time with 30% less bitchiness and 30% more babbling.

Meanwhile, at a rival newspaper…


Dear Feliciano,

My wife is a most exceptional woman, but I wish she would let me work! She keeps disturbing me at my compositions to coax me into sharing a meal or a drink with her. I don't mean to suggest that I don't enjoy her company, but I must concentrate when I'm working, and I asked very politely to be left alone whenever the door to the music room is shut. This was never an issue before we were married! Last week she spilled wine on my sheet music, and yesterday she ambushed me with a blindfold and shut my fingers in the piano! This has gone more than far enough. What must I say to make her desist? All I ask is for a few hours of quiet.

Pianissimo, Please!

Dear Pianissimo,

Ahh, marriage! It changes everything. It doesn't do any good to wish for things to be the way they used to be; this is the way your wife is, and isn't it better that things are more honest now? Even if it is irritating sometimes, a good marriage is based on communication! And your wife is trying to communicate with you--she wants you to know that she wants to spend more time with you, and that's a good thing, don't you think? It means that she loves you and enjoys your company, too!

How good are you at giving her your complete attention when you aren't working? Here's a compromise you can try: devote an entire evening to her, and try not to even think about music. Cook dinner for her, something nice! Find out what she has been doing and thinking about, and do not let your mind wander. And maybe that night, see how much she likes that blindfold. This is the woman you love, after all--make sure she knows it!

The next day, you should be able to work uninterrupted. Repeat as necessary!


Dear Feliciano,

There's someone I really care about, but I can't tell if he likes me. He's always yelling at me and insulting me--at least, I think they're insults…I try to find out what the ones I don't know mean. So far, "berk" means "idiot," "git" means "idiot," "pillock" means "idiot," "plonker" means "idiot"--actually, you know what, probably most of the words he says that I don't understand mean "idiot."

Anyway, like I said, he's always yelling at me, but we still spend a lot of time together. Sometimes he's even pretty friendly! Although he usually follows that up by calling me an idiot (which I'm not, by the way, he's just jealous that he didn't think of space lasers or delivery pizza or rock and roll first (I'm still working on the space lasers)). I don't know, Feliciano, should I just try to get over the guy? How can I tell if he's serious?

Apparently Gormless

Dear Gormless (I don't know what that means, either!),

Uahh, wow, do I know how that feels! I have somebody who is really important to me, too, who's always saying how dumb and useless I am. But we still spend more time together than we do with anybody else! I think you should look at what he does, and not what he says, si? If he is always saying mean things, but he still hangs out with you, and remembers your birthday, and helps you when you get in trouble, he probably likes you.

If it's really bothering you, you can always just ask him!


Dear Feliciano,

I've started dating this girl, B. She's beautiful, strong, and intelligent; she really takes my breath away. There are problems, though. Her brother and I…have some unhappy history together, and she's very attached to him. My friends are also worried about me and are convinced that she's only going to hurt me. I don't know what they're so worried about--maybe she has a rough reputation, but I think she's a wonderful person, and my fingers were probably always able to do that.

I feel like all this pressure from other people is making it hard for me to just get to know her. I don't know, Feliciano, should I tell them to back off? So long as I'm happy with B, shouldn't that be all that matters to them?

Quadruple Jointed

Dear I Think That's Too Many,

Definitely you should ask your friends to respect your wishes, but I also don't think you should dismiss their concerns! Reputations are earned, after all, and if they're this worried about hers, maybe you should look into her history a bit before you take things further. Also, keep in mind that her brother will never go away: can you imagine putting your past with him behind you and having him as a brother-in-law? Maybe it seems too early to be thinking about that now, but the longer you stay with her, the more important it will become. Nothing is more important than famiglia!

If you decide that B is worth it, though, don't let yourself be discouraged. Only you can know your heart. As we say, l'amore domina senza regole: love rules without rules!


Dear Feliciano,

Yeah, I'd say I've got a love problem. See, I'm completely awesome. Really, just, an unstoppable badass, the likes of which the world has never seen before. If I could make you grip my biceps, I would, because those things? Hard as rocks.

But it's not easy being a tower of masculinity. I think it scares off the ladies, you hear what I'm saying? So my question is, how am I supposed to restrain my animal magnetism enough so that girls don't run away in fear of spontaneously losing their virginity? And on top of that, how am I ever gonna find a dame who can keep up with me?

The Hedonic Teutonic

Dear Teuton,

Hmm, that is a problem! It's not easy when your partner has more energy than you, I know; and it sounds like you have a LOT of energy. So maybe what you need is somebody more composed! The person you spend your life with doesn't have to be just like you, you know? Sometimes opposites can be better. Take a look around you and think about the people you've known the longest. Can you see yourself with any of them? They're the sorts of people who have proven they're capable of living with you, after all! I think you might do well with someone more serene. Maybe a thoughtful, artistic type!

Whatever you decide, never lose that confidence in yourself!


Dear Feliciano,

For a long time I've had two competing suitors. The first, J, is intelligent, hardworking, and has excellent prospects--but I'm never quite sure what he's thinking. The other, A, is demanding and loudmouthed, but has, I will grudgingly confess, a certain undeniable personal charm. Tensions between them once ran quite high, and A even pressured me into not speaking to J for a while. That dispute has since been resolved, however, and has led to something less tense, but more…irritating.

Somehow (don't ask me how), A and J have become fast friends. I always see them out together, or making plans to see one another--plans which most certainly do not include me. Of course I'm glad that they're no longer enemies, but is it so much to expect a little attention? I feel a bit like they've stolen each other from me.

Union Jacked

Dear Jacked,

You have no one to blame but yourself. If you cared more about A or J than you did about how nice all that attention felt, you would never have found yourself in this situation. People aren't just there to gratify you, you know! You may have hurt their feelings by stringing them along like this, did you ever think of that? It may not be too late to choose one, but you shouldn't be surprised if they've both gotten tired of waiting!


Dear Feliciano,

My ex got away again. I ordered a butterfly net, but it is not big enough to carry him back. American butterfly nets are weak and flimsy. One day, I will design a serviceable butterfly net, with steel reinforcement, that will not be so useless and decadent. Until then, should I just send out my army for him?

Don't worry, one day he will understand that he is better off with me.


Dear Lovesickle,

Umm, send out an army to bring back your ex…? That doesn't sound like a good idea to me! Maybe it would be better if you spent some time apart. Part of being in love with someone is respecting their freedom, after all! I think you should let him be on his own for a while, and then when things have cooled off, you can ask him if he wants to give you another chance.

Remember, if he says no, there are plenty of other men out there who might not be scared off by your, um, assertiveness.


Dear Feliciano,

I'm worried about my brother. Against the wishes of his family, he's started seeing some interfering kraut bastard. My brother's not too bright, but he has a good heart. I think this jerk is taking advantage of him, and driving a wedge between us. What do you think I should do? How should I convince my brother he's making a mistake? He should put his family before everything, shouldn't he?

Un Poco Protettivo

Dear Protective,

Ahh…what a difficult question. Choosing between family and love is something no one should have to do! I'm sure it makes your brother very sad that you don't like his friend. Of course nothing is more important than family--but maybe your brother thinks of his friend as family too, you know? Are you sure you can't just accept your brother's decision? I'm sure that would make him very happy!

Maybe you should spend some time trying to get to know his friend. It could be that you would get along, if you gave him a chance! Or, hmm, that might not work…maybe your brother's friend is a little scary, sometimes. But, maybe there is someone who is important to you, too? And maybe you aren't in a relationship with that person, but you still think about them a lot, and want to spend time with him. That doesn't make you love your brother any less, does it? Because your brother will ALWAYS be your brother, no matter who else comes into your lives.

That's why family matters so much, Protettivo. Because family are the people who will always love you and support you, no matter what happens to you, or what decisions you make, or how long you are apart. Maybe you and your brother were not always together, but I'm sure he thought about you every day! And he missed you and hoped that you were okay, and not getting in trouble, and that you were being fed lots and lots of your favorite foods. And when you were reunited, I bet it was the happiest day of his life! Those feelings, you know, they do not just go away because your brother has found someone special. I think you should trust him to make his own decisions--and also trust that there will always be an irreplaceable part of his heart devoted to his famiglia.

It is very good of you to be worried about your brother, but maybe he's not as dumb as you think, si?

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