pyrrhiccomedy: (woah lump)
[personal profile] pyrrhiccomedy
I've always thought the history of Kaliningrad (formerly Königsberg) was interesting anyway, but today I found out that Kaliningrad Oblast--a tiny spit of land on the Baltic Sea that's roughly the size of Connecticut, mind you--contains 90% of the world's amber reserves.



The Teutonic Knights captured a small Old Prussian village in 1255, and discovered that it sat on top of a magical gateway to an ancient abandoned fairy city where everything had turned into golden crystal. They built an unbreachable fortress on top of it, Königsberg, and made it the headquarters of its mililtary branch (Königsberg was the home of the Marshal of the Teutonic Knights). Thanks to the ambient fairy magic in the region, Königsberg remained the only large fort on the Baltic border to remain unconquered despite the crushing defeat of the Teutonic Knights during the Polish-Lithuanian/Teutonic War and again during the Polish-Teutonic War in 1520.

Skip ahead a bit to WW2. During the last year of the war, when the Red Army was advancing across Eastern Europe and Nazi Germany's defeat was assured, the British (who naturally knew about the ancient fairy city) bombed Königsberg for days in an attempt to destroy the gateway before it could fall into Soviet hands. Unfortunately, all this accomplished was to rouse the ancient fairy guardians from their millennia of slumber, and the Soviets were forced to bomb the city again and then conduct a grueling occupation in order to regain control.

Königsberg, now Kaliningrad, was not made a part of the geographically-adjacent Lithuanian SSR; instead, it was made into an exclave of the Russian SFSR, in order to keep its immense mystical power wholly within the hands of the Kremlin.

Kaliningrad Oblast is now the most well-guarded and militarized part of Russia, and its density of military installations is higher than anywhere else in Europe.

And this isn't even getting into how it has a magical sandbar cutting through the Baltic Sea that was apparently caused by giants!

This is what happened, right? Right, guys? Russia? Please stop keeping the magical fairy city to yourself, Russia. We all know it's there.

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gisho.livejournal.com
. . . I love your headcanon. (Headhistory. Whatever.) <3

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
This is the deal with Kaliningrad and nobody can convince me otherwise. XD

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hiza-chan.livejournal.com
Oh my. I can't seem to stop laughing. ♥

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
FAIRY CITIES ARE VERY SERIOUS!

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nym-aulth.livejournal.com
Endless LOL XD
That is some serious crack, dude, but I loves it ♥

.....England and his fairies would so totally approve of this version of events, though.

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:58 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Maybe Prussia is still alive because after so long with Königsberg as his capital, he made an immortality pact with the fairies!

It all makes sense!

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From: [identity profile] hiza-chan.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-11-24 06:30 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-11-24 11:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thewaterbandit.livejournal.com
We're through the looking-glass, people.

(I wish I could time-share your brain)

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Date: 2009-11-24 02:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
(I wish I could time-share your brain)

It's getting to be summer where I live, so my brain will be taking an extended holiday anyway. Maybe it'll end up somewhere near you!

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Date: 2009-11-24 01:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ghostofthemotif.livejournal.com
I think you might be my hero.

...

Yep. Pretty sure.

I bet Iggykins is feeling kinda jealous of Gilbert right now >.> You've made it known that he no longer has a monopoly on fairy!awesome. Cuz obviously Gilbo must have a piece of every kind of awesome ever.

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Date: 2009-11-24 02:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I bet Iggykins is feeling kinda jealous of Gilbert right now >.> You've made it known that he no longer has a monopoly on fairy!awesome. Cuz obviously Gilbo must have a piece of every kind of awesome ever.

We were talking about this in Youko's livestream, and we felt that Prussia probably can't see the fairies himself--but by God they make his men fight better, so if the village witch says it's fairies, then game fucking on, fairies, let's do this thing!

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From: [identity profile] ghostofthemotif.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-11-24 06:39 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-11-24 02:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x-haphazard-x.livejournal.com
I always wondered what that tiny piece of Russian land was doing separated from all the rest, and now I know!

The more you know, y'know?

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Date: 2009-11-24 03:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Russia's all, "Yeah, yeah, you guys can secede from the Soviet Union, whatever. I'm keeping the fairy city."

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Date: 2009-11-24 02:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maranta-aira.livejournal.com
Ohh, Kaliningrad. ) I am going to move there within next two years.
...I'll look for this magical gateway for you, I promise. ^___^

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Date: 2009-11-24 03:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Ahhh, that's so cool! =D

If it leads to a city that's made of that much amber, it can't be hard to find! Take pictures. XD

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Date: 2009-11-24 03:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] littleduchess.livejournal.com
You are crazy but your crazy has method (or history rather) and that is why I love you. You crazy thing.

yay fairies!

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Date: 2009-11-24 03:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I just think they should make a video game out of this or something. Doesn't it SOUND like a video game premise? Ancient headquarters of the Teutonic Knights guarding an ancient cursed magical city that the British try to keep from falling into Soviet hands? It ALL WORKS SO WELL!

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Date: 2009-11-24 03:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] animedutchess.livejournal.com
OoO

No fair! Why does Russia get to keep the magical fairy city? He should totally share it with all his fans and throw huge magical fairy parties.

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Date: 2009-11-24 06:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bridgetsmidge18.livejournal.com
This is a very deadly and dangerous weapon that Russia has, this magical fairy city you speak of.

Why was our nation not all up on this during the Cold War?!?!... or was he?

:O

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Date: 2009-11-24 11:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Ah, but America doesn't believe in fairies!

Little did he realize.

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Date: 2009-11-24 08:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hirakareta-sama.livejournal.com
Girl every post you make me love you more and more. Magical Fairy City? Fuck yeah!

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Date: 2009-11-24 11:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Yay, love! =D A lot of the mystery in life stands explained when you just add fairies.

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Date: 2009-11-24 09:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] quasiarti.livejournal.com
the whole world war was to see who get the best magical resoucers!!

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Date: 2009-11-24 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
IT WAS!

Hoshit, does that mean there's a nexus of magical power in Libya, too?!

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Date: 2009-11-24 09:53 pm (UTC)
byzantienne: (Default)
From: [personal profile] byzantienne
This is a very odd response.

May I borrow, in a very loose sense (i.e., sending a Soviet magician there to be trained in the ancient and venerable art of fucking with perceptions) this Kaliningrad, for an original project?

'cause DAMN, is that fantastic contrafactual history~

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Date: 2009-11-24 11:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Are you kidding? I'd love somebody to do something with this.

I totally could have gotten into how Königsberg parlayed its supernatural power into unique autonomy as a crown fief of Poland and later Sweden, too, maintaining its own constitution and currency like the totally boss city it was, and all the crazy shit that happened in the castle there once it made the jump to the Kingdom of Prussia and the Hohenzollerns moved in, and why do you think Frederick the Great was so great, huh, I'll tell you why, fairy magic is why--but I didn't, because I didn't want to bore everybody to pieces with fangirling Prussian history.

But it TOTALLY WORKS.

And Soviet magicians sound rad as hell.

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From: [identity profile] kaite17.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-11-25 01:13 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-11-24 10:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hi-no-neko.livejournal.com
This is too perfectly perfect.

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Date: 2009-11-24 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I KNOW!

You know what I just realized, though? The city's probably cursed. I mean, it gave a huge boost to Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia, but they did both lose in the end.

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From: [identity profile] hi-no-neko.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-11-25 02:40 am (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-11-25 06:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] emo-viking-jil.livejournal.com
of course prussia had a fairy city. it all makes sense!!

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Date: 2009-11-25 07:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I'm so glad you agree! ♥

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Date: 2009-11-25 06:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rheoster.livejournal.com
OH MY GOD SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS?
I have always wondered what that little piece of land between Poland and Lithuania is, so it belongs to the fairies huh? And Russia wants the fairies to become one with him huh?

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW. FINALLY I CAN SLEEP.

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Date: 2009-11-25 07:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
In my headcanon, Russia actually CAN see fairies. Slavic folklore being extensive and TERRIFYING as it is.

(He totally had some nasty run-ins with Baba Yaga as a kid.)

He just pretends he doesn't because it annoys England more that way.

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From: [identity profile] wizzard890.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-11-26 10:22 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-11-26 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Don't you love it when sometimes you just have that perfect icon? XD

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Date: 2009-11-27 02:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dunsanyrdr.livejournal.com
I, for one, would not like to be in the middle of a conflict between the sentimental yet nihilistic Teutonic fairies and the intensely creepy Slavic ones.

...So it follows that the Cold War also involved a secret battle between Russia's Baba Jaga and America's Xenu?