pyrrhiccomedy: (Default)
[personal profile] pyrrhiccomedy
Title: Five Six Seven Eight
Originally posted: Here, for the CMC Event at [livejournal.com profile] russiamerica. Day 6 prompt: gamble.
Length: 1,100 words.
Characters/Pairings: Russia/America.
Premise: America is a fail spy. Also, Russian pistols hold more bullets than you think.
Time period: Cold War sometime after 1969, I guess, since I make a so-veiled-you-might-miss-it reference to the Space Race.
Smuttiness: 0/10
Funnyness: 4/10
Wrist slashiness: 0/10
Warm-and-fuzziness: 3/10
Lolhistoryness: 0/10
Violence: 6/10
Would I like it?: It started life as a 600-word drabble-y thing, and then it exploded into a confetti shower of America's retarded inner monologue and him getting shot at a lot. That sound like fun?

---

America almost screamed when the door opened and a wedge of light from suddenly fell upon him. He jerked up from rummaging through Russia's desk. And then he did scream, as Russia drew his Makarov PM out of his side holster without a word, and opened fire. The first round crashed into the surface of Russia's desk and sprayed splinters against America's glasses.

Shit!

He heaved a pulled-out drawer full of files between them, and the air was full of paper. He dove for the open window. Russia's gun roared again and tore out a section of window frame. America collided with the fire escape banister, bounded down the stairs four steps at a time, just stopped himself from sprawling flat when his hand skidded across the railing. Clang, clang as two more rounds ricocheted above him. He hurdled off the last flight of stairs and hit the wet pavement at a sprint. A foot to his left, a fifth round slammed a divot out of a brick wall.

Shit, shit, shit…

He figured he had five or six seconds before Russia reached street level, and his thighs burned as he used it to put as much distance between them as he could. This was bad, because over long races America always pulled out ahead, but in short bursts, Russia moved like a fucking cat. America's shoulder bounced off a wall as he swerved, dashed into a side street. The air singed behind him as Russia unloaded another round into the trajectory he'd just escaped.

His heart banged in his chest like a noisy engine. He could hear Russia's shoes striking pavement, and he was narrowing the distance between them. America strained to build up speed again, but he had to keep zigzagging because--

Crack!

Russia kept--

Crack!

Firing, fuck!
And he hadn't even kept anything worth looking at in his desk! America was gonna get his ass perforated for a handful of lunch receipts and a novelty day calendar full of kitten pictures!

Man...what a way to go…

They burst into an abandoned dockyard, and America pelted for the maze of crates. He hurdled into cover--no gunshots for a second, thank Christ--and gasped, swallowed hard, tried to quiet his breathing, shut up shut up shut up.

Russia slowed and stopped. America guessed that he didn't want to lose the advantage of a pistol at range against a terrified jackass, in favor of close quarters, where America might conceivably smash him over the head with a bit of loose planking as he came around a corner.

That was a shame.

"America…" Russia's voice was soft, playful. Shit, the son of a bitch wasn't even winded, was he? How could a dude that big shrug off that kind of action? America felt like he'd had matches dropped into his lungs. "Were you spying on me again? …That's against the law, you know…"

Wait--wasn't that eight rounds? Didn't that gun only hold eight rounds?

America stepped out from behind a section of sheet board. "No, Russia, I was just trying to borrow a pen! Why--"

Crack! A hole the size of his fist smashed through the planking. America squealed and scrambled back into cover, but now--

(Right, shit, right, some models held 10 rounds, my bad)

--Russia knew what row he was in, and that smack smack smack of boots across wet pavement was not a good sign for him, and oh FUCK he ducked, and swerved around the heaps of industrial detritus, and then--

Cracked his forehead against a length of broken piping--

Which probably saved his life, because he went down like a sack of lead fillings just in time to see another bullet hole tear open a wooden sign in front of him at the level of his chest, even though he couldn't hear anything for a few seconds. Fuck. Was that one shot or two shots? The heap of trash behind the sign sagged and crumbled forward and covered it, and he couldn't check. He scrambled onto his hands and knees and threw himself over the avalanche, tumbled into a heap on the other side.

Russia had stopped again.

"That was quite a fall, America!"

Fuck you! "You're out of ammo, Russia! Give it up and we'll call this one even!"

Russia was silent.

Okay, if that had been one shot, Russia was out of ammo. If it had been two, that…meant there was a Makarov with a twelve round clip, and Russia had one round left, and that would be bad, because America didn't think he could do a lot more running, not with blood trickling down his forehead and into his eye sockets and giving him what were probably some really gross-looking bloody tears.

America had never heard of a Makarov that would take a twelve round magazine.

But America hadn't heard of a lot of things that apparently existed, like low calorie toothpaste, and Kyrgyzstan.

So…it was a gamble.

He blinked the dizzy out of his brain, then jumped onto the tipped-over heap of slag and rotting tires. He planted his fists on hips, his feet square, trying to look confident and dramatic even though standing up fast kind of made him want to throw up. King of the mountain, bitch. "Come on! Am I wrong? Take your shot, asshole! I'm standin' right here!"

Russia raised his pistol and sighted down the barrel. America's heart sank, which he guessed was pretty smart of it, because repositioning itself might give it a better chance of not getting splashed out of his body like a water balloon from a picnic basket.

And then Russia lowered his gun again, and smiled. "Get out of here, dalbaiyob."

America went weak in the knees. He mustered up a smirk while his internal organs cracked the champagne and threw a party. "Yeah, you know you'd lose a real fight, huh?" Okay, so he might have a concussion, and Russia might outweigh him by forty pounds, but by God he'd take that son of a bitch if it came to a fight, and…

"I don't want to have to wash your blood out of my clothes," Russia responded. "Go. Do not be so stupid again."

America blew out a breath. He didn't nod, because that would be an agreement and he was stupid but he wouldn't have lost the fight, for real, okay…but he turned and hobbled back down the trash pile, and touched the ground at a jog. He wiped blood out of his eyes.

If anybody asked, he walked into a cabinet. A really...sharp cabinet.

---

Russia waited until the pat pat pat of America's footfalls faded into the distance, and sighed. Out of ammo, indeed. He discharged his magazine and popped out the last bullet; it shone lustrous and sleek in his hand. He made it dance between his fingers.

"I think I'll keep you," he murmured.

He put it in his pocket and turned back towards home. His gun he returned to its holster. After a minute, he chuckled, and the sound floated up into the misty night.

"Idiot..."



+++

Yes, there is a Makarov PM that holds a 12-cartridge magazine. However, the 8-round version was the standard sidearm of Soviet government forces from the 1950s until the dissolution of the USSR in 1991.

+++


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(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 10:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladyemme.livejournal.com
Oh dear god. Love this! Amazing amazing work! I espescially love that last line. "Idiot..." It's nice to see someone besides England describing him in that single word. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I think most people who spend a lot of time with America end up saying it at one point or another. XD

Thank you for reading! ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 10:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-chella.livejournal.com
I am LOVING the quick updates. New fics make me smile.

THIS IS SO FUN! I love fail!spy America. And this feels like a messed up game of russian roulette, only it isn't voluntary on America's part. I wish I had America monolouging my life, his p.o.v is so fun. Great work, as usual.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I wish I had America monolouging my life, his p.o.v is so fun.

/confession

Sometimes I do just let America start narrating my life. XD It makes doing the laundry so much more awesome.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] minuiko.livejournal.com
I can't believe Russia let him go. Then again, I can't imagine Russia shooting him. It's kind of funny how this was a tension-filled action-y piece with nothing sexual or romantic and all I see is slash and America x Russia. xD Loved America's narration, loved that last switch to Russia's perspective, loved how retarded America is. <333

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
It's kind of funny how this was a tension-filled action-y piece with nothing sexual or romantic and all I see is slash and America x Russia.

But that's how they DO romance! XD And Russia totally didn't shoot him because he looooves hiiiim~~~, so I think you're justified.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rheoster.livejournal.com
You... you are too good to us.

>>"I think I'll keep you," he murmured.

That is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
That is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard.

Fffft. "Did you know you could have killed a superpower, little bullet?"

Russia totally names it and keeps it on his desk.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wizzard890.livejournal.com
My God, yes. That was...romantic as hell, concussions and spy!fail and kitten pictures aside. XD

You know you've been into this pairing for too long when the idea that "He didn't shoot him in the face" becomes totally swoon-worthy.


(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
You know you've been into this pairing for too long when the idea that "He didn't shoot him in the face" becomes totally swoon-worthy.

I know, for real. XD And then he keeps the bullet, to ~always remind himself~ that he could have shot America--le sigh!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] djsoliloquy.livejournal.com
I for one am thrilled you blew off your 100+ progression! Sweet.

This is every reason why the Cold War is funny, right here. I can just picture America trying to stand up and be macho while he's obviously just a few seconds from collapsing. And, exactly: for lunch receipts and kitten calendars. I thought Russia was afraid of kittens? XD /bricked. And yet it's somehow romantic. How do you do this? It's magical.

Not that Russia ever had to shoot America. Just chase him around enough corners and he'll take himself out. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Not that Russia ever had to shoot America. Just chase him around enough corners and he'll take himself out. XD

In my imagination, this story played out half like a 60s caper flick action scene, and half like a Loony Toons slapstick routine.

Thank you for reading, darling! ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] djsoliloquy.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-20 11:36 pm (UTC) - Expand

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Date: 2009-10-20 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fallenxembers17.livejournal.com
Oh, God, America, you lovable little fool. Of course, he of all people would find a way to fail as a spy. This was so adorable/hilarious/an odd mixture of the two!!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-20 11:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it! ♥ America's spyfail is, I don't know, it's so endearing to me.

Oh my...

Date: 2009-10-20 11:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pickingupstars.livejournal.com
I love how America fails both at the finding good info and the not getting caught part of being a spy.

Aww, Russia is so sweet.

It's a bit scary how Russia/America makes me think of things like shooting at people 'cute' and 'sweet.'

Re: Oh my...

Date: 2009-10-21 12:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I've got to think that by the 70s and 80s, Russia just finds America's attempts at spying kind of cute. XD Just like, how can you be so bad at this? Haven't you at least picked up anything from me? I've been spying on you for years!

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] pickingupstars.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 01:16 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] finneaus.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 02:41 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] rheoster.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 07:38 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 09:03 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] rheoster.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 05:57 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 06:32 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] finneaus.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 11:22 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] finneaus.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 11:21 pm (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-22 01:35 am (UTC) - Expand

Re: Oh my...

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] adriana-linkinp.livejournal.com
Just randomly delurking to make flaily motions and proclaim my undying love to you.

I love how there was so much slashy slashy tension, even with Russia shooting at America and all. Also, Russia must have been very amused with America's little show of courage. I know I was. :D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 12:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Yay, delurkers! =D

I think Russia must sometimes just want to give America a friendly nuggie, and then cuddle him forever. "Oh, you." XD

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] adriana-linkinp.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 01:04 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] platinum-halo.livejournal.com
I laughed so hard I just gave myself a stomachache XD

failspy!America's weirdly adorable <3 And reaaally lucky that the person he probably gets caught by the most adores him, cuz yea... Luck can only get ya so far in the situations XD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
And reaaally lucky that the person he probably gets caught by the most adores him, cuz yea...

Seriously. Freakin' America. But really, you know, he's charming his way out of this situation without even realizing he's doing it. And when his face is totally gross. That's pretty slick, when I think about it!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hi-no-neko.livejournal.com
Oh America, your spyfail is so endearing.

Probably should be troubling. But. Endearing.

As is Russia being sentimental over a bullet. Pyrrhic, these boys, you make them lovable in ways they really shouldn't be. <3

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
They make themselves lovely, with their not-shooting-each-other and their doofiness. And Russia's an international superspy and America, I am pretty sure, can't steal an extra cookie out of the jar in the pantry without tripping over something, landing in the sink, breaking fourteen dishes, and triggering the fire alarm.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] animedutchess.livejournal.com
and a novelty day calendar full of kitten pictures

Crowning moment of awesome right there. Lemme continue reading...

Badass. Incrediably stupid on America's part, but both of them were incrediably badass. I must say, I loved it. ^_^

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
and a novelty day calendar full of kitten pictures

I like to think it was a gift from Ukraine. And Russia tells himself that he just keeps it in his desk so that he can set it out when she comes to visit him. But every so often, if he's having a particularly stressful day, he takes it out, and thumbs through it, and hee, this one's tangled in a ball of yarn.

Delighted you liked it! =D

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] animedutchess.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 02:20 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sadlygrove.livejournal.com
Not killing you is how Russia expresses his love. Good. To. Know.

I kinda want to see the look on America's face when he sees a Makarov with 12 cartridges in the Smithsonian years later...

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Not killing you is how Russia expresses his love. Good. To. Know.

Hey, when you've got eighty bazillion nukes pointed at each other, the temptation to kill each other must be pretty hard to resist, sometimes! XD

I kinda want to see the look on America's face when he sees a Makarov with 12 cartridges in the Smithsonian years later...

"But...but that doesn't mean Russia was carrying one that day! Right? Does it? ...Russia? Russia, does it? You weren't were you? Russia, tell me you weren't."

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] sadlygrove.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 02:11 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] plushielover177.livejournal.com
But America hadn't heard of a lot of things that apparently existed, like low calorie toothpaste, and Kyrgyzstan.

I lost it at that line.

You write idiot!America amazingly. And the ending with Russia was great!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Man, I am usually a strong proponent of the "awww, give America a break, he's not DUMB, he's just a ditz sometimes!" camp, but...every so often, yeah. America. That was pretty stupid. XD

So happy to hear you enjoyed it! ♥

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lady-oneiros.livejournal.com
XD I loved it. While I'm sure America is more the "stand your ground" type, I'm equally sure that in the case of being chased by a pissed off Russian who is the size of a frickin' tree and who is carrying a gun, America will be the first to say that running like a terrified rabbit is the most noble and precise of arts. Keep up the good work--I love your fills for this contest so far!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you so much! I'm really having fun with the contest! The daily prompt format is really inspiring. =D

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:02 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mellamonaranja.livejournal.com
He had another bullet and decided not to shoot him?! *throws a mini party*
What a stroke of luck for America. :D
Ahh... this was so much fun to read!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
He had another bullet and decided not to shoot him?!

That's how you can tell it's real love. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rotifora.livejournal.com
I would normally close my eyes in those suspenseful scenes from spy movies but this chase kept me at the edge of my seat and biting my fingers in excitement. That is the thrill of Russia and America. XD

I lost it at the kitten calender. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I think America fares better at car chases. XD

Thank you for reading!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 02:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] finneaus.livejournal.com
Pfft, oh man this was just great.
Especially since America really does fail at espionage.

Also, Russia is totally a cat person.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I think Russia just sort of loves small, soft, helpless things.

You know, like...everybody, compared to him.

RUSSIA LOVES EVERYBODY. =D

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 03:29 am (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] finneaus.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 07:08 am (UTC) - Expand

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(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fujiappletan.livejournal.com
AMERICA.

ONLY YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO BE SUCH A COCKY SON OF A BITCH AFTER.

BREAKING AND ENTERING. SPYING. STEALING. what did you expect russia to NOT COME AFTER YOU WITH A GUN.

but ohgod But America hadn't heard of a lot of things that apparently existed, like low calorie toothpaste, and Kyrgyzstan. fucking hilarious.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
what did you expect russia to NOT COME AFTER YOU WITH A GUN.

But he totally wasn't gonna get caught this time! Honest!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bridgetsmidge18.livejournal.com
This is made of win and awesome and GOOD.

Oh, America (he fails with such flair though, doesn't he?). And Russia at the end... ♥

And If this was an actual Space Race, you'd be waaaay ahead of everyone, just sayin'.
♥~

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Oh, America (he fails with such flair though, doesn't he?).

America never fails. He just decides to stop trying to succeed. It's DIFFERENT.

And If this was an actual Space Race, you'd be waaaay ahead of everyone, just sayin'.

*blush* Pshaw, no.

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] daitokuji8.livejournal.com
A spy who screams is sure to get caught. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 03:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
I think America might need these kinds of pointers. ♥

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] pickingupstars.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 01:01 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] skelody.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-10-21 06:50 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 04:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nym-aulth.livejournal.com
Why is it that I absolutely *love* everyhting you write for Russia/America?

America fali!spying is so inexplicably amusing, lol XD And their whole thing with counting the bullets? C'mon, Alfred, of course Ivan's the type to carry extra special weaponry-you guys are in a dick-banging contest arms race! I suspect Russia is a better shot than this, really-no way would he have missed 11 times in a row if he'd really wanted to bring him down.

Much love for this fic!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 08:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Ffff, of course. Russian snipers are some of the best in the world! Yeah it's a pistol, not a sniper rifle, but still. If Russia had really wanted to take America down, America would've been toast. XD

Doesn't mean he won't give him a good scare, though...

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 05:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lokichan2004.livejournal.com
I enjoyed this immensely XD I really like how you describe things, like America going down like a sack of lead. Anyone who's ever run into something like that knows exactly how that feels. :P

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 08:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Oh, thank you! I'd just woken up when I saw the prompt and wrote this, so some of my similes make me scratch my head a bit now, which happens. XD

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tokene.livejournal.com
Oh. Um. Wow. How nice of Russia?

I'm not an expert in guns, but this was pretty interesting to me. I love the dynamics between America and Russia, which you very nicely did in here. Great job!

(no subject)

Date: 2009-10-21 01:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] pyrrhiccomedy.livejournal.com
Thank you! =D
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